a real runner.

The other day, I set off at 9:00 am in Kailua for a four mile run.  I'm training for my seventh (whoa) half marathon, and this was an "extra" training run but I was feeling all out of sorts. (Running seems to the best thing for that, at least in my world.)  I left the dogs at home as Peanut has been quitting a lot lately, right around mile two.  That's no good for me.

I started jogging to warm up my muscles and thought about how hot the weather was.  No matter how hot it was in Arizona, it NEVER felt like this particular piece of summer has felt on the windward side.  I'm aware that it is summer, thank you, but but rumors promised me rain and easygoing trade winds almost daily...

I got about a mile in and realized sweat was flying off of me like it hasn't in a long, long time.  I felt tired and a bit nauseous, then cursed myself for eating chocolate and drinking stout for dinner the night before.  I knew that poor fueling was my own fault, but man, I was wishing for a big bowl of spaghetti in this particular moment.  Even my morning coffee (standard before anything less than five miles; most foods upset my stomach during short runs) felt like a hundred years away.  I kept thinking about that stout - wondering why it wasn't fueling me more.

And then I realized.  I just finished three miles.  I didn't even think about it.  The last I could remember, I was at a half mile.  I JUST REALIZED I BECAME A REAL RUNNER.  Not the "I'm going to run an ultra" real runner, but the kind that doesn't quit because I'm tired.  I told myself I was going to run four miles and I did...I ran, without thinking, without convincing myself to, OH MY GOSH I GOT LOST IN THINKING WHILE RUNNING!  I've been waiting for this day since the completion of my first half marathon, Phoenix, 2008.

My mind cannot wrap itself around this.  I feel amazing.  I'm a real runner.  The kind that keeps going, no matter what.  I'm joyful.

#weight

I have struggled my whole life with weight-too much, too little, the 60s pin up figure I've had since I was 15...it's just been this battle for so long! 

Then I finally come to terms with my body and acceptance, and this "trainer" (she will remain unnamed) tells me "if you really want Jennifer Anniston's body and you're willing to work for it, I can get you there."

She is crazy! First if all, I'm not built like that - my frame is just not that slight. And to have a "trainer" tell me I could have something unrealistic after telling her I've had body dysmorphia since my teens makes her behavior unethical.  And don't get me started about how women in figure competitions eat...

Anyway. Tangent. (I'm still upset, clearly...)

I have been hovering around 131 for months and months now, whether doing cardio, lifting, all that.  I have also been stuck restricting myself to 1600 calories I get the last ten pounds off.  I did some research and upped my calories to 1900 because I moderately exercise at least four days a week. 

What do you know. Three days and I'm  down to 129. Maybe food really is the key...

#hotellife

This last week, I learned about people.

It wasn't good. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good. I got hurt.

I learned that people may not always make you feel the way you want to feel. I learned that people are who they are, they act the way they are used to acting, and they often think only about themselves. 

I've learned that unless I say something, no one will know how I feel.

So my expectations should be higher, for myself, so that I might influence others. It really is all about me.

Let your light shine. And always, always, love first.

#family

One of my favorite things to write about is my family.  There are two kinds of family.  This kind (the kind you design by marrying your bestfriendintheentireworld):

And the kind you grow up with.   I don't have a picture of that because frankly, my family is not that nice.  (I said frankly.)  I mean, I have four stepsisters (remarriage when I was...16?) and they are all lovely women, in their own way, and I am close to one of them.  (Well, sort of.)  She's delightful and charming but will cut you with one remark if you aren't careful.  Whatever.  I'm older now.  It doesn't matter.

But here's the thing.  My sister (biological) is one of my favorite people in the entire world.  She would probably be surprised to know that she has always been one of my favorites, though I often did not treat her well when we were growing up, or even in our 20s.  It actually took the insufferable act of another family member (I could just...) to bring us back together.

Here's us:

With my momma and sister's baby girl.  Such a great day.

Happy weekend, y'all!  Here's to being grateful for the ones we love - especially the ones that love us more in return.

dolladolla bills, y'all

Tomorrow is the first paycheck of my new job.  I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know why, but I just cannot stop thinking...I've arrived.

I mean, I still work for the same company, and I still have the same supervisors and the same job duties - I just don't have any clients yet.  I've made some contacts here and I'm thrilled that people are really encouraging me to get this work done and implemented here on the islands.  I don't feel discouraged and I definitely don't feel like this is going to fail.  I do, however, feel as if its going to take some time!  Hawaiians are notorious for "island time" and they live that way.  Tommy and I are certainly beginning to live like that as well.  It's interesting...if the islands are meant to be for you, you'll just sort of...well, phase into it.  It happened really naturally for us!

That is my view every afternoon or so.  It's really, really breathtaking.

Tommy and I planned this move for five years.  (Yep, y'all, we had the "what IS our five year plan?" talk.  It works.)  We arrived on our one way flight, and after picking up the dogs and plugging our new home in the GPS, we realized...I think this is actually our forever plan.  Who knows?  Life is good here.

#aloha

#vacation

So many of you have asked me "do you work, at all, with all of these pictures of the beach?"

Yes.  I work.  I work hard!

But for right now, while I am working on gaining connections and writing a proposal, I'm mimicking Tommy's hours and working "mainland shift".  That means we get up super early (like five am) and work our butts off until 2, or 3, and then go to the beach.   This won't last much longer, as I'll work more "normal" hours when I begin seeing clients. The sun sets late here (around 7) and that means EVERY DAY, we have a few hours of beach time.  Today, however, I have to go to the post office and pay for my safe deposit box for the CPES Hawaii office!!!

It's hot this week, and I feel like I should have looked for a house with a/c.  However, it hasn't rained in, like, three days, and even three days ago, the rain felt like nothing!  The windward side of the island is supposed to get rain daily, and when we don't...man, it's sweltering!  So we are suffering through the day, trying not to cook, and hoping for a break in this heat.  I know, I know...compared to AZ, its NOTHING!  (it's like, 87 in our house right now.  Hot, but not like AZ could be.)

But nothing beats a good Saturday in the sun...here's a bit of our weekend!

We have officially been here a month.  We have our stuff, our cars, the dogs, car insurance, license plates, put the bikes together, and jobs.  Now...the last step.  Drivers licenses!!

#friendrequest

Funny thing happened yesterday.  I got a friend request from my dad.

A lot of people would think this is no big deal.  However, the last time my father spoke to me, it was to tell me that my husband "would never amount to anything" and "you should have married whatshisname" (the one who called me fat).  So, it seems odd that he would choose facebook as a means to talk to me again.  After two years of nothing.  After telling my sister off.  After no contact?

It is not that I don't love my father.  I actually quite like him.  But he married my stepmom when  was 16 and things just...well, they changed.  He became colder...harsher, and really, money just became this all important thing, all the time.  I would bring a bottle of booze to the house in the summer for a pool party, and they would tell me they spent so much on food and ask me to chip in.  It just seemed, well, cheap.  And really, as parents, isn't that what we do?  And he became all about the car he drove, the pool in the backyard of the house, the presents we got at Christmas and "being fair".  It became about a summer timeshare in Mexico and buying a house in Florida.  I just don't get it.  I moved to Arizona and they flew out - to Sedona - and didn't tell me.  So I stopped trying. It just became the way of life.

So yesterday we arrive home from snorkeling at Lanikai beach and I check facebook...and pow!  A friend request from my dad.  What's weird about it is that I just don't understand why he has a facebook.  He never cared about that stuff - I'm surprised he has a phone that sends text messages!!

I just wonder why he would choose facebook.  I mean, if you want to talk to your daughter, call her.  Send her a letter.  Social media?  Please.